My 40s Life Blog

The first of a few crazy dating stories.

It took a while to get my bearings in the dating world again after I lost my husband. My kids were one and three at the time, so, if you are familiar with parenting those ages, you can understand that I needed a regular escape from the craziness and the loneliness of life at home. I also desperately missed regular adult companionship and romantic physical intimacy (kids climbing on you doesn’t count). So, I had to at least try getting back out there for the sake of my sanity. But I had no idea how to juggle dating with the needs of young kids. I had a lot of bad first dates. Most of them just made me sad afterwards. I missed my husband so much. He was truly one of a kind.

But, eventually, I found someone who ended up becoming by boyfriend. I was thrilled that Mark, a man five years younger than me who did not have children, was compatible with me and amenable to my full-time kiddos situation. 

If you’ve dated with kids or know someone who has, you understand that we solo/single parents try to wait as long as possible before introducing kids to our sig-O because we want to protect their precious little hearts from getting attached to someone that may not be a permanent fixture. So, we vet them in every way possible, even introducing them to friends and family and then once we’re feeling confident enough, we’ve gotta see how that interaction with the kiddos goes. But, until then, you’re sneaking around like a teenager trying to keep your new relationship on the DL. 

For the record, my sister who has her PhD in child psychology and is an elementary school guidance counselor in addition to seeing private clients, strongly recommends waiting as long as possible to introduce your sig-O. I’ve dated a few people with older kids who have permitted the meeting sooner and even tell their kids when they have dates or [gasp] let their kids swipe for them or review dating profiles. To each their own, but I know for my little people, it’s best not to get their hopes set on a new daddy dude until I’m feeling confident about a long-term relationship and future potential. This is where white lies are okay. Or, be as vague as possible. Obviously, with older kids, trust is a huge thing and they may ask direct questions, but since I’m not there yet in my parenting journey, I’m keeping things under wraps with cover stories and code names in my phone for now.

So, after getting a babysitter for several dates and enjoying meals and adventures out and about, we eased into a cadence of Mark coming over after I got my kids to bed, which, at that time, was 7:30pm. He’d usually stay over too and sneak out before they woke up at 7am. I slept with my door locked for good measure and it seemed that I had this adult sneaking around thing dialed in.

But… life can’t be that easy, can it? One winter’s night, not long after Mark and I had settled into bed, I awoke with a start to the sound of my son crying loudly. I rushed to his room to discover that he had thrown up all over himself, his bed, and the floor. What a mess! We’re talking projectile everywhere. How to handle this? As long as Mark stayed in my bedroom which was at the back of the house and my son stayed near the front, we’d be okay and not have a run-in. I instructed Mark to stay put and then I proceeded to comfort my son, get him out of the dirty clothes and washed up in his bathroom. But, before I finished cleaning him up, my baby girl woke up too. Now, she was crying bloody murder and needed consoling. What’s a solo mom to do?

Thankfully, she was in a sleep sack in her crib and unable to climb out so I had a little time. I got my son into clean pajamas and back to his room where I parked him with a book in a pile of stuffed animals and pillows. I striped his bed and dumped all the dirty stuff in his bathtub. Then, I quickly and quietly crept back into my room (all the while praying that Eli would stay put in his room) and asked Mark if he’d be okay rocking my daughter back to sleep. After all, she just needed a warm body to soothe her and as long as we kept the lights out, she’d never know or remember who this nighttime mystery man was. She was not even two yet and not very vocal. Mark was happy to oblige. I peeked into the hallway and upon confirming the coast was clear, I snuck him past the kids’ bathroom and into my daughter’s room. Mark was on his own now. Godspeed. From the sounds behind her door and the peeks I snuck at her baby monitor in my room, she seemed a little confused at first, but settled down once he plucked her from her crib and relaxed into the rocking chair.

I grabbed the cleaning supplies and mopped up my son’s floor. As I was bustling about, my son asked me what that strange noise was coming from my daughter’s room. It sounded like music. I said the first thing that came to mind which was it’s probably just the sound of the white noise machine. Maybe it switched channels somehow? After I rinsed the puke from the soiled bedding and clothes and got them into the washer, I took another peek at the baby monitor. It was indeed music. Mark was playing mellow music from his phone to lull my daughter back to sleep. Oh my. At least she was calm and quiet. I went back to my son’s room to a fresh barrier sheet and a sleeping bag on his bed. I was in the homestretch now. I tucked my son back into bed, tuned out the light, and rubbed his back. Thankfully, he went back to sleep quickly and did not wake up or puke again. Once I was sure he had dozed off, I peeked into my daughter’s room and signaled to Mark that it was okay to put her back in her crib. Mark did as I instructed and I stealthly escorted him back to my room. 

We did it! Mark was not a dad, but he earned his stripes that night. We had been together 2 1/2 months at that point and, after that unexpected test, I felt comfortable introducing him to my kiddos a few weeks later. Sneaking around was tricky, but my kids discovering a strange man in my bedroom in the middle of the night would have been worse. Things didn’t work out with Mark, but I will always be grateful to him for being brave enough to be my first boyfriend following the loss of my husband. And, I am thankful he was there when I needed help the most.