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Most people are familiar with the term honeymoon phase. Some people have the foolish notion that this can be extended out years into a relationship. However, as real life and daily challenges creep in over time, that’s simply just not possible. And, what evolves in its place is much deeper and more meaningful. So, while it may be a little sad to observe the shift as the rainbows and butterflies slip away, we should cherish the enduring love that sustains a relationship and propels it into a true partnership.

I’ve had dozens of relationships both before and after marriage so I feel like I’ve gained some noteworthy wisdom along the way. For the sake of this post, I’ll classify a relationship as anything that lasts at least a month. I’ll assume that within a month, you’ve probably had a dozen or so dates with someone and explored sexual intimacy.

I also was lucky enough to find the kind of love that may only come once in a lifetime. The kind that starts with an amazing spark, evolves into being best friends, and transforms into a beautiful partnership.

Here’s how it goes…

Stage 1: Lover – This phase typically lasts 3-6 months in the beginning of a relationship when you are just getting to know someone. The physical attraction is strong. Pheromones are raging. Sex drive is high. Both people are on their best behavior. Infatuation and the dopamine craving keeps you awaiting the next text, call, or opportunity to be together with anxious anticipation. This is the puppy love phase. Connection and discovery happens naturally through dates that may also include friends or adult family members. 

This is also the stage where information is uncovered that could end the relationship. Major deal breakers like kid aspirations, geographic preferences for where to live, religious convictions, unresolved issues from one’s past (e.g. abuse, mother/father wounds), attachment styles, work/life balance challenges, physical or mental health issues, sexual incompatibility, conflict style, or lack of alignment on short and/or long-term dreams can drive a wedge in the connection. In my experience, this phase uncovers just how truly compatible two people are and what characteristics one can live with (the small stuff) and where there is no room for compromise (having babies or not).

This discovery cannot happen without spending a significant amount of quality time together and taking a trip away can help foster this process or, at the very least, uncover possible future roommate compatibility issues. How do you each want to spend down time? Does he leave his wet towel on the bed? If that bothers you, how do you handle it? What happens when driving? Can you agree on something to listen to? Is road rage an issue? How do you prefer to handle directions? These are all good little tests to see how you both manage through them.

In my experience, the early getaway trip was always validating that I want to continue to move forward with someone. You’re still smitten and you may even overlook that soggy towel… for now. But, if something comes up that sets off your spidey sense, listen to your gut and explore that concern. Don’t push yellow flags aside, dig in.

To move past the infatuation phase and evaluate someone’s ability to engage with you at a deeper level, you’ll need to engage your closest friends and family. As we get older, the stakes get much higher. Your kids, houses, communities, personal finances, health issues, etc. all need to be carefully considered. As a parent, I need to be feeling extremely confident in someone’s potential before introducing my children. Trust your gut and be careful. Someone who truly respects and cares for you won’t pressure you to move faster than you’re comfortable with.

Stage 2: Best Friend – People often ask how do you know when you love someone? Well, I think it’s when every measure along the way has been validating such as feeling comfortable in their space, planning and enjoying a trip together, tackling a challenge, meeting each other’s friends, parents, etc. These little milestones can propel you forward or pull the emergency brake and send you running for the hills.

If they send you running, don’t be too discouraged – maybe you dodged a bullet of some kind by setting this lover free. While it can be daunting to feel like you’ll be starting over from scratch again with someone else, the longer you stay in a relationship that’s not meant to be, the harder it will be to extract yourself later on when your lives are more entangled.

I also believe you really need to know someone and that takes time to move past the best behavior phase. I read in the WSJ about a study which revealed that it takes 200 hours of quality time (e.g. in conversation, not TV or sleep time) to become a close friend. If you spend 10 hours a week of quality awake time with someone, you’ll get to this place in 5 months. If you spend more time together, it’ll happen sooner.

When you feel like you really know someone and you accept them for all that they are without trying to change the things about them that could be a little rough, then you love someone. They are your lover and your best friend too. The key difference with this stage is that you become a trusted advisor for each other, a confidant, someone to check in with daily and help each other out with favors like minding each other’s pets or picking up something for them at the store.

You are completely comfortable being yourself – retainer, ratty old favorite t-shirt, and all. You can tease one another, but know what triggers to avoid so that you don’t go too far. You take on some of each other’s mannerisms. You anticipate what the other will say, think, or feel. Just like a close friend from our school days, this is your go to person when you need help, when you have something exciting to share, and when you want to do something fun. This phase can last a long time and can even be long-term companionship if that’s enough for you depending on what season of life you’re in.

Stage 3: Partner – I take this level very seriously. This is where my heart is wide open and full connection happens. I have to admit, I’ve only been in this phase once and that was with my husband. It takes complete vulnerability. The walls of the fortress around your heart need to come down and that’s not easy – once burnt, twice shy, ya know. But, I miss it deeply and long for this type of love to come once more.

For me, this is where the big investment in the future happens. This is where you take ownership of each other’s responsibilities including kids, pets, and household things as well as one another’s hopes and dreams. You seek to become the best versions of yourselves and support your partner to do the same. The other person’s highs and lows are yours too. You have shared goals and a vision for your future together.

In this stage, you are legit emergency contacts on all forms and you’ve had discussions about personal and shared finances, not to mention legal plans should something happen to one of you. You share in all holidays and most family vacations and support each other in day-to-day life management.

Ideally, you live together or at least try to spend most of your time under the same roof whenever possible. This get’s challenging when kids are involved because these days no one wants to uproot their kids from their school communities and many divorce agreements have stipulations about parents not moving too far from the original home zone.

I thrive in and am most secure in this relationship stage, but that comes with a significant commitment. For me, that is a merging of households and a solidified legal and/or spiritual contract (marriage or domestic partner depending on what makes the most sense given the people and circumstances). As partners, you need to discuss long-term plans frequently with serious consideration for each other’s needs. There is no fear of rejection or relationship insecurity in this stage because you’ve seen each other in your darkest moments and pulled one another through it.

If you’ve read about the love languages, then you probably also know about bids for attention. I read somewhere that couples who turn towards each other’s bids the majority of the time, will be the ones that last for decades to come. Think about how hard that is. There’s going to be a good percentage of the time that the circumstances don’t allow you to turn towards your partner because you’re running out the door, you have to go to the bathroom, you’re too tired, too upset, too something.

Think about what it takes to consciously choose turning towards your partner whenever the circumstances do allow for that. You need to prioritize their interests, their needs, and make a significant effort. But, if you do and you have the right partner, you’ll receive the same in return and that kind of mutual support is a reward in and of itself.

I believe that our greatest opportunity for the power of love is when we turn towards our partners and fully accept one another. When we can appreciate our differences, unique perspectives and experiences, we can grow together through our challenges. With that foundation and a commitment to actively care for and continue to cherish one another, a partnership that has the power to last a lifetime can flourish.